Psychic Rations

STOP THE PRESS

59.8kgs   59.8KGS      59.8 kilos  fifty-nine point freaking eight kilograms!!!

I think I am going to pass out

Intermission

The whole working on the mines thing is starting to wig me out - I know it's exciting (and by all that is my Tommy Hilfiger pants I am excited!) but the reality of leaving my family is starting to set in and it has me in a very unusual place. 

Believe it or not I am a psychotic little creature (What? Me? Nooooo) and I can deal with day to day changes but this move is going to throw me completely out of my comfort zone.  I am going to be standing on my own, no safety nets behind me to fall back on - just me and a whole new working (and living) environment that I am going to have to adjust to.  One I have never seen or experienced and lets face it, will be predominantly male orientated ("Yikes" says the little anxiety attack waiting-to-happen).  I have thought all this through, and we have discussed it at length;  but please, just allow me this moment to freak-the-fuck-out. 

I'm scared.  Not 'boo ha ha' scared, I am sitting here trembling in my jocks as I start to prepare for the imminent phone call and preparation for leaving the nest.  Putting Amy to bed last night I looked on the moment and realised that I will only be able to kiss those little fingers for five days out of every three weeks.  My babies are going to grow and learn without me there to see it each and every day.  It makes me feel like I have taken those moments for granted and will regret it sorely when I leave and no longer have the luxury of sitting down for a chat with my girls, or be able to ask my son how his girlfriend is (whole new post of grey hairs there baby).  Financially this is the best chance for us and we know this, but this is a five to seven year project - I don't want to let Mr Middle-Management (who got me the job) down.  He has put his neck on the line for me several times and I swore that I would make the commitment and stick to it - it's signed sealed and delivered in perfume.

So like it or not I'm off; to make a better life for us and hopefully find a future that will provide us with some security.  If you see me over the next few weeks and I look a little fragile (waxing neglected and deranged) take a minute to fling some support in my direction.  It will be an adventure for sure but know I am praying that it is not the biggest mistake of my life.

Okay I am back to being excited again now ...

WHEEEEEE!

De-brief - V brief

I am in the next round of intakes dudes!  6 - 8 weeks and counting ....

Weight fab today - am down another 400g to 60.2kgs and considering the birthday festivities on the weekend and the sheer volume of vodka consumed, THAT is a bloody miracle.

Workouts have been 100% +, feel like I have been thumped in the back and my bi's are all achey.  The sorer I get the bigger I smile.  Just have to muster the energy to get to the gym this arvie and work my chest and tri's to a pile of mash.  Hoping for the 50's by Sunday  ... wish me luck :)

Letting Go

My birthday was amazing, I had the best time EVER and I felt like a princess all day.  I truly do have some awesome friends who have made my life a lot richer.   Thank-you to everybody who played a part in creating such a memorable and wonderful experience.  I will leave the waxing lyrical stuff there or nobody will think it's really ME writing this ..  hang on, I will just gag a little bit at myself.  Must be getting sloppy in my old age.

Something that has really surprised me about my birthday is when I look back on the pictures I cannot believe that it's me ... that this is what I look like now.  Fat Tanya still lives here with her shit laying all over the place.  Emotional baggage in the corners, self loathing on the coffee table and skewed reality all over the floor.  I know through all that is logic that I have lost all those kilo's and I have had to buy much much smaller clothes (which sorta makes it hard to ignore), but inside my head I am still fat.  The ugly, fat best-friend standing next to the pretty girl, you know ... the one who has to be funny.  How weird is that?

I hear the comments and compliments people say to me and I still shake my head, disagreeing with what they say because in my mind I am a fat person.  Last night I had a friend of mine tell me I was her 'idol' and before she had even finished speaking I started spewing forth a dozen different reasons as to why I shouldn't be and why she should look for a more worthy object of her admiration.  No matter how many reasons she gave for putting me on my pedestal I just shut her down and argued, argued, argued; playing down everything I have worked so very hard for like it was nothing.   Eventually the argument died down but I was smarting for hours afterward, feeling like some kind of fraud.   It was a horrible feeling in the bottom of my stomach.

I have thought about this a lot today because I felt so awful last night, and it leads me to wonder - when am I going to cut myself some slack?  Seriously, I have no idea how to get myself to accept who I have become.  I should be embracing it, loving and living it like it is the achievement that it is, instead of hiding in the corner thinking up ways I can play down the compliments before they are even spoken. 

I think it's high time that I figure out how to get my head around this and be the 'Skinny Bitch'  that I am.

Brief Reflection

As my birthday is tomorrow I thought I might sit here and do some brief reflection on where I was at exactly one year ago from today.

Looking back on my data I was 73 kilos flat and a size 14, running recreationally and I was Suzi Homemaker in the flesh.   At the time the 60's seemed like a  lifetime away and  from memory I was incredibly stoked to be under 75kgs. I didn't really have any goals or ambitions to do anything other than reclaim my body and take control of the weight aspect of my life.

In the last twelve months I have lost 12.4kgs and am sitting here in size 8 jeans (size-fricking-EIGHT!!!!), run a half marathon, took active measures to finish my Cert III in Health & Fitness, started body building and applied for a job on a mine securing myself on the intake list.

WOW

I can't believe I am the one that has actually done all that; holy bloody achievements batman I am on fire!  Bring on the next year - who knows what the heck I am going to be doing ...

Moo busts a fu and I implode

Since we got our Wii things have been fun, funny, active and competitive.

This morning little Moo (Amy) has been playing tennis but unfortunately her co-ordination skills are way out and she keeps missing the ball.  With every unsuccessful swing she gets closer and closer to the TV and her swings become bigger and harder.  A moment ago I looked up just in time to see her hit the television and follow through to collect her own head.  I asked her if she was ok and she very impatiently told me 'I'm doing my practice! I'm just gunna do this .. ' and she grunted, swung again and got herself in the head, again.  As a good mother I suppose I should remove my sweet three and half year old from this precarious situation that threatens to damage her little scone, but she seems to be having fun and the controllers have the rubbery silicone covering, I am positive any damage won't be permanent .. heh.

As for me, I wish I was a more patient person because right now this thunder cloud that is sitting on top of my head is raining on my usual parade of grins and giggles and it is pissing me off.  I think a new level of PMT is upon us when even my own bad mood is pissing me off.  No gym this morning but I will go this afternoon, even though I really don't bloody want to;  AND ...  get this, not wanting to go is pissing me off!  A new personal record was even set, this morning I snarled a good friends head off before 8.30am.  Even with the Haze Of Evil floating around my persona consuming my Zen, I deserve to feel bad about that.  And I do, boy do I ever.

How am I supposed to celebrate my femininity and the wondrous world of all things woman when my innards feel minced and I just want to kick something really really hard?  I'm wandering around like a raging behemoth muttering words that start with F and end with K ...  you know, rhymes with truck ...

For the love of Christ will somebody please come and take these hormones and donate them to St Vinnies?  I don't want the buggers anymore and I don't give a flying rats wrinkle if I grow a mustache and get hair on my nipples - anything has got to be better than this ...

PMS

Pre-Menstrual Syndrome - also known as PMT, bitch pills,'THAT' time, Hormone Highway

See also

Psychotic Meltdown State

In which the the female hormonal cycle turns a perfectly sane person into a ranting, angry, emotional tornado with the tolerance of a starving tiger.  During this time nothing will seem right and the answer to everything is food; mostly decadent sweets, deep fried concoctions and BBQ chips.  If the female has these in her possession DO NOT try to remove them, but if she has not DO NOT provide them - attempt preoccupation with shopping and shoes so that she doesn't grind you to a bloody pulp for letting her go 'off plan' once the hormones subside and she returns to her normal state of sanity.

Do not encourage this female to train when in this state as it may be interpreted that you think she does not do enough already and is fat, still.  However, do not encourage her to stay home either otherwise you may be to blame for Non-Scale-Movement (NSM).

Underestimating this condition is common amongst males, most of them not realising that their once nature loving, flower sniffing, peaceful partners would rip the heads off cute fluffy bunnies and RoundUp the flowers just because they were pissing her off.  It is not wise to mention to the suffering party that it could be PMS, lest she assume you are dismissing her opinion thus indicating *antagonism and *condescension.

*NB - pestering, provoking, antagonising, sympathising and condescending to the female in this state can end ones life prematurely.  It is best to approach with caution, if unsure of how to act then avoid all eye contact.

Some Stuff I Didn't Realise

1.  You might be able to push 20kg with your legs but that does not mean you will start out with the upper body strength to lift the plates onto the machine

2.  Being sore in the morning is like getting really cool presents on Christmas day

3.  The degree of soreness can almost be directly linked the strangeness of the faces you have involuntarily made when lifting weights the day before

4.  The leg extension was invented by Lucifer and used as a torture device

5.  You must learn to love squats - even though all these years you have become very practiced at NOT poking your bum out

6.  You must try very hard not to smack yourself in the face with a weight when you are doing overhead tricep extensions laying down - the bruise is difficult to explain later and you look a bit ridiculous at the time

7.  A hack squat is not the sound you make when getting rid of a loogie

8.  The seated calf raise machine might look like a giant willy going up and down but you are never allowed to fall on the floor laughing - no matter who is using it

9.  Assisted tricep dip/chin-up machines are the closest thing to heaven you can get, legend has it you can hear the angels sing when you use it - however if you live in Albany you can keep dreamin' because there is no such thing down here

10.  When a girl starts body building almost every person she knows will tell her 'but you don't want to get too big!'

Its Been A While

Understatement.

So ... !

Lost has changed, lots hasn't and I am in a pretty good head-space right now.

I'm body building and LOVING it - like not just ordinary heart-dinking-off-head kinda love, but full on raging-passion-burning-desires-jam-fancies-and-peanut-butter love.  I never knew my body was so capable let alone so co-operative.  I give myself a little pat on the back each day because it is an amazing and very rewarding journey.  Albeit painful at times but dudes, I have googies on my arms!!  AND pokey-outey pec things on my chest, ALSO 4 little rectus abdominus are trying to poke their lovely wee heads out of my belly fat.  There is joy.  There are still no glutes and my ass needs a lot of work, but baby steps chickadee's.  My buns of steel are being targeted tomorrow in the PM so if you are local you can expect to see an incredibly well dressed (and stylish if I do say so myself) sweetie walking like she has a malley root up her patooey.

It has taken the old hardcore weight lifting guys a while to get used to seeing a floral smelling, pink bit o'fluff wandering about in their section but I have secured my position amongst the lads.  Most of them offer advice now and help while making idle chit-chat about lifting injuries and goals.

Eventually when I have stripped a bit more lard off this secksy bod I will put up some pictures so you can see me transform myself into a beige condom full-o-walnuts ---- watch this space!

*****************************  

Weight loss -  there has been plenty, not an abundance but enough to keep me out of lipo's way.  This morning I weighed in at 60.8kgs.  I would have liked to be 59.8kgs for my birthday Friday but I have just had a big loss so it is unrealistic.  Still, all week I shall twiddle my hair at my desk while I daydream of my trusty Tanita scales showing me some 50's action in some freaky twist of universal fate.  Might throw some really wicked DOMS into the fantasy just for pure pleasure .. ahhhhhhh

My secret weapon is clean eating, low to moderate carb, higher fat and protein.  Also still having 5 - 6 meals per day but I couldn't tell you much more than that because I had to stop tracking.  I was obsessed with calories and macro's so I just took a holiday to Perth for a week (where I ate for Africa) and totally relaxed about the whole thing, then kept that attitude when I came home.  After all I don't have the courage to compete so if I take a bit longer to get to goal it isn't really going to affect anything or anyone.

******************************

The job is happening.  I am about number 12 on the intake list and intakes start again in August.  This doesn't mean I leave in August it just means I move up the list.  I have a job, it's just going to be a case of waiting - the thing I suck most at on this planet.  It's not so bad though because at least I have plenty of time to finish my Cert III in Health & Fitness and maybe even go on to do Cert IV.   I have been promised a pink hard hat, purple work boots and  have been buying pink explorer socks for work.  I might be covered in red dirt and  muck up there but I will be making it look good.  Unfortunately haul packs don't come in PINK - heathen bastards. Gosh don't they know we girls are driving them too?  I have done some test runs for basic make-up application and I have it down to 8 minutes, I still reckon I can knock a couple more minutes off it with practice and determination.

*****************************

The family are all excellent.  Kiddies growing, puberties happening, girlfriends, kisses, tantrums and phone bills - love every second of it.  I'm a mum.  C is awesome too, he has just enjoyed his holidays so much this time around he has been a pleasure to be around.

That about wraps it up - need to go eat and have coffee before my head explodes
Chia xx