Psychic Rations

Just for the record

I want the internets to know that when I wrote the post on Eau De Genitalia that the picture I have sitting there is NOT really a vulva - it IS a sea cucumber.  No, really it is - so stop searching for it your ooging me out.

Oh look! New friends!

  

I just had such a blah day yesterday that I wondered how on earth I ever have the energy to get up and get to the gym, or even get out of bed for that matter.  I think it was caused by a total carb hangover, and if that was the case then it is scary how severely food can funk you up (or down) ..

In a bizarre twist of desperation to either go or not go to the gym good/evil figments of my imagination manifested on my delts AND I ended up:

a) spending almost all day procrastinating about it
b) telling myself I really, really wasn't going and tried to justify it by also telling myself I was energy-less without sugar (snort)
c) ambushing my own self on the way to the toilet, enforcing a detour via the closet in order to at least get myself into gym clothes on the off chance I would be able to make myself go
d) saying in my head over and over "you won't thank yourself if you don't go, you won't thank yourself if you don't go..."

In the end I had to go.  I couldn't bear to think about it a second longer and I wanted the little devil that had appeared on my right shoulder to exsanguinate the little angel that had set up camp on the left (and vice versa) because the irritating, imaginary beasts of burden didn't even have the decency to fight it out amongst themselves and leave me out of it.  Noooooo, I was right smack bang in the middle.

When I pulled up in the car park little red devil wanted me to turn my car around and go back home to warmth of our fire (cold, shitty, Albany day), but then little white angel says "just go in and do something, doesn't have to  be huge, just do anything you want - no pressure - you won't thank yourself if you don't ..."   So in I went. 

It wasn't the most stunning workout in the history of body building but it definitely wasn't the worst either.  As I embarked on the first five minutes of my twenty minute run my little devil really wanted to stop, and I almost did stop in fact.  My finger hovered over that speed control twitching as if it were required for a quick-draw at sunset;  then someone came up and started talking to me, and someone else and someone else, and before I knew it twenty-five minutes had passed.  I cooled down and felt accomplished while my little angel glowed with satisfaction.

In the weights area I went about my business, no personal bests but I lifted strong and I lifted well and when it was all over and done with, me and my figments were all relieved to be getting out of there. I was actually feeling quite stoked that I did it, smugly knowing I wouldn't have to listen to the resident shoulder pads berate me all night for not doing what I was supposed to do.

I'm all for inner thought processes (sane ones) but for me it's like watching a bad soap opera in my head.  The plot stays the same year after year (much like DOOL); the acting is cheesy (much like DOOL); and it's annoying to watch (much like DOOL).  If I could have a day off and not turn it into a 20 year drama I'd be all over it, but I can't and the manifestations of my imagination that perch themselves on my shoulders annoy. me. to. death.

The irony is that right now, I am thanking myself that I went.

From now on before I make any decisions I am going to pose the question "will I thank myself for this?".  I will try to only do things that offer a positive plot line for The Days Of Our Lives mini-drama that is inevitably going to run in my baked scone; then *maybe* sometime in the near future I won't want to stick an axe through my psychological TV --- or murder my imaginary friends.

  

 

Someone stuffed a whole heap of chocolate in my mouth ...

Haven't a bloody clue who would do such a thing (moi?  nevaaaah) but there was LOTS of it and holy guacamole it tasted SO good  - however, not good enough to veer me completely off track for my training.  But gosh, did I tell you it tasted good?  And there was LOTS of it?   Now I just have to eliminate the sugar cravings associated with such a bender so that I can focus on something other than chocolate coated licorice and get back to thinking a la skinny minny...   I reckon three days should just about do it.

So about that training thing!  It really is still the biggest thing ever, it's just been suffering a little content neglect here at The Ration.  Fear not though my little internets, it is still a burning passion and one day very soon I am going to see 55kgs with lots of googie popping, vein pumping, defined, beige-sock-o-marble gorgeousness.  I really want to get there ... in the next three weeks.  I know!  How risque of me to actually give myself a target.  Tsk, have my former follies with goals taught me nothing?  Especially seeing as I have pretty much never achieved one of those goals by the deadline I set myself (not for lack of trying your honor).  However I'm feeling fancy today so to heck with it - I'm putting on loose undies, untying my hair and setting the last *mini goal before I check in at the maintenance motel.

I can't tell everybody enough how much I love lifting.  It's brought a whole new dimension to my relationship with the gym and I can't wait to see if I will set a PB on any given day.  Sure some days I feel like pulling a black beanie over my head and down over my face which makes getting out the house a mission, but it's never an aversion to the weights.  I heart the weights, in a V big way.  I also heart the way the weights are re-shaping my body.  Genetically destined never to rival Elle, but I am becoming tighter than a fishes tushie and 'new' in my own way.  I still have all my flaws that I had before, it's just everything is smaller over-all than before - it's nice and I am comfortable in my skin. 

I also like the bonds I have at the gym with the fellas.  We all stand around talking, sweating and lifting.  I think they humor me when they praise me for my efforts but I am cool with that because I am a glory whore when it comes to my weights.  It's nice to have the encouragement, the camaraderie and I hope (and aspire) to smell all skanky like they do.  I don't actually know if I do yet and I am too shy to ask any of them to stink my pits - but one day my musk will make the flowers wilt, I know it will!

So today is another day, but a fresh day for me to re-focus on my three-week challenge, keeping in mind that the changes I've made are forever.  If I start doing something I can scarcely live with for three weeks without going nuts, I haven't a hope in Myer of succeeding.  It's got to be do-able in the day to day, every day - right?  I love fresh outlooks, exciting new promises and the ambition to make this work so I can have what I want most - success.....

...... and waxed eyebrows, I look like Grizzly Adams in pink flannel pyjamas.  The time is nigh to heat the wax-pot my friends and violently rip the natural yeti-esque features out by their roots, sans mercy - have a great day!

 

* I want it noted that I made this goal with a truckload of Retro Party Mix and Reeses White Peanut Butter Cups coursing through my rather large and sticky-outy veins.  I am sure when the sugar shock has worn off I will curse myself, panicking at the frolicsome whim that has me making declarations to the scrutinising public and I reserve the right to retract once carb-depleted. 

Subscription To My Issues

Just a snippet from the norm at casa de 'G'  that had me end myself ..

Scene:  All the kids sitting up at the bar eating their dinner, Jessie and Demie engrossed in conversation between themselves, Georgia looking on and Amy not paying any attention to anything ....  Callum was fixing something by the sink and I was sitting at my computer. (Now would be an excellent time to note that I hate confrontations over a meal, it makes your dinner taste like shit.  It's hard to chew and swallow, and nothing sucks worse than crying while you eat.  It's one of those deep-seated psychological hates from my childhood which has me wickedly vehement about non-perpetuation)

Jessie & Demie:  "Blah blah blah about whatever, I don't really know as I wasn't listening hard"

Georgia:  "PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everybody turned to look at Georgia with stunned expressions

Callum:  "Georgia why did you say that?"

Georgia: *Silence*

Callum:  "Georgia, why did you say that?"

Georgia:  *shrugs* "I don't know"

Callum:  "Don't tell me I don't know, I want to know why you said it .."

Georgia:  *silence and chewing really really hard on her food, eyes as big as saucers and budding tears in her eyes*

Callum:  "I want to know why you said that, I want to know the mindset behind it ..."

Me (exploding):  "Oh come on!  She said it get everyones attention and it worked, she wanted to be included!!  Seriously you are trying to talk mind-set to and eight year old!?!  Lets stick a bit of perspective on this - lets not forget that Amy called all the kids fuck-tards a few weeks back - penis is no big deal"

The split second the words "fuck-tards" came out of my mouth I felt cringe-worthy as a parent, but then the eldest three of my children fell off their stools and giggled helplessly in puddles on the tiled floor, clutching their sides from laughing so hard.  I looked at them and started giggling myself and I felt the tension that had mounted over those few minutes subside.  I realised I needed to make it light-hearted for them as much as for myself.  I had tensed so hard during that time that I almost cracked my own back teeth.  I saw the expression on Georgia's face and I was right back there, sitting at our own dinner table, being told off for some crap deemed important by a holier-than-thou hypocrite as my whole meal turned to a giant debacle that tasted like cardboard.  (I mean really *how* could I be berated for a messy room when he pee'd in the corner when he was drunk?  At worst I had hid a few school lunches and a years worth of vitamins but I never let rip with bodily fluids while under the influence - brownie points please).

The inappropriateness of the language had to be excused while my over-protective, anti-perpetuation avenger burst into action like a swashbuckling hero, rescuing (using the term loosely because Callum is actually a poufey little pussy cat with the kids) little Georgia from a not-so-threatening parallel I saw playing out in my warped minds eye where she is me and I was her.  Duh, nuh, nuh naaaaaahhhhh ...

But really, it was nothing like any of the manipulative, cruel, sadistic scenarios you could pluck out of my joyous childhood - *cough* projection-issues *cough*

No Pretend Cookies For You

You know that you are focussed when even in your dreams you knock back a *Golliwog bikkie and a glass of milk because it's not on plan - it would have been ok had it been because of my lactose and wheat issues but c'mon, where's my joy I ask you?  If I can't wharf what I want in the land of zed where am I going to get my fix?  Anyhoo, turns out my dream-state motivation paid off because I was 200g down this morning.  Still, it sucks the big fat kumara that I won't even eat a bikkie in my own dream; next thing I will be working-out twice a night in la-la land as well, not very conducive to psychological down-time and rest.   Oh how I love OCD ..  tweeeeeee (there is a song in that I am sure - myyyyy dooooog has fleeeeeAS, and iiiiii have Ohhhhh Ceeee DeeeeEE)

At the moment I am kicking butt with my training and really starting to make some good headway again in terms of weights and reps,  I have lifted a few PB's and have even had a couple of cases of DOMS in the last week.  I still smile wryly to myself when I move and find I am stiff, soreness = change = excitement; it also heralds two days of washed-out, it-hurts-to-scratch-my-butt, and all of a sudden I can't reach my forehead .... but change dudes!!!!!  Also I have well and truly established myself within the boy section of the gym and I wear my reg. badge V proudly - what more can a girl ask for? (apart from bigger hoo-haa's, lipo sculpting and longer legs).  I no longer get muscled off the equipment, or sneered at unless some unsuspecting newbie stumbles in, all puffed up with 'tude.  I came across one of those just yesterday actually, I was huffing and heaving my way through a measly 4 unassisted pull-ups (my new territory of conquer), next thing I knew Captain Ugly-Pants walked up and just started using the bar.  I was in between sets so I didn't mind so much but Mr Muscle Miner whom I was talking to took offense and said "I think the lady was using that....".  I went a bit red and thought 'oh my fecking god! I have like, a posse of protective muscles *HEE!*', Captain Ugly Pants had the decency to blush too and scurried off to use something else.  I mean I am not saying you can't use something in the gym but manners cost nothing, you know?  A simple 'are you finished with this?' or 'd'ya mind if I jump in here?', something other than just steam rolling over the top of some poor lil innocent lassie who often gets a wee bit intimidated.   Mind you, he got his revenge in the end as I had to wait forEVER for him to get off the frame so I could do some olympic bar curls and finish my session which made me late to pick up C from The Million Dollar Mechanic ...

Oh, did I forget to mention Kermit died again?

We are yet to $peak to him to find out how much it i$ going to co$t us to fix.  I told C to shush, not say anything because of the $10 per word rule.  I also told him to cut off The Million Dollar Mechanic if he got on a roll - gag the sucker if he has to, using any means of force necessary if he starts to deliver a sermon.  The Million Dollar Mechanic has length and reach but I think the little man could take him down if he went for the ankles - what he lacks in cm's he makes up for with an unbridled enthusiasm for fighting dirty.  I heart him hugely for that, makes me want to give him a flower and blush.

On that note I am going to eat

Chia
xx

* Golliwogs bikkies are now called Scallywags - much, much more PC - now I just need to get the cleaner at my gym over her fit because she snogged a half-caste *EEK* on the week-end while drunk and racism will be all but dead ..  riiiiight.  I didn't have the heart to tell the her that she was actually talking to one-of-those half-castes *EEK* because really, whats the fucking point?   In the year 2008 any kind of racism is an ignorant disgrace.  So please don't take offense to my referral to the former Golliwog biscuit ..  none was intended, I was merely dreaming of the Australian Arnotts faux pas of my childhood.

The Prodigal Returns

These days I seem to start all my entries with 'it's been a while', however this time stating the obvious is going by the wayside because I am ornery and not in the mood to play the pleasantries.  Apologies forthwith; but truly, had I written in the last month it would have been incoherent rubbish so trust me, it was better this way.

There's been little to report on any front but I will do you the honor of a quick, numbered run-down (because we all know how much I love my numbered lists).  Hang on to your bits because it is really riveting ..

1.  Job = still waiting.  Multiple mining accidents will always funk up a greenies plans to get working.  C'est la vie.

2.  But I do have the coolest purple work boots (YAY!)

3.  College is all done - got my competencies in the mail and I passed

4.  Although I will miss having the mental stimuli I am thanking christ it is over

5.  Training = excellent. I have had my ups and downs with it but sitting on 56.8kgs isn't too shabby

6.  Due to number 5 I have some semi-impressive girl googies

7.  I have taken lots of trips to Perth and have had a beYOOtiful experience each time

8.  I've discovered skinny cow ice-creams

9.  I'm re-organising my personal life so I don't get sucked into anyone else's bullshit (because you know - I'm SO over the school-yard at like 33 fucking years OLD)  Also at the moment, I am crazier than an electrocuted barn owl so I think I've bigger things to worry about.

10.  I have been humbled by the kindness of a stranger.  A person I hardly know has offered to do something for me that is life changing and very close to my heart.  Not being all cloak and dagger but I am going ahead with it and I will share whats going on when I feel my fragile little self is ready (and dudes I am   F R A G I L E  ....  I have had more snivel moments in the last 6 weeks than I have my whole life so I am not sure what the hell is with that)

Notations:

So about those mining incidents from number 1.  There was a couple of them in a very short space of time.  Bugger.  I'm still going up there for sure, but when is anybody's guess (BOO!).  I'm trying to live as normally as I can but it is like living Christmas eve every single day without ever having Christmas actually arrive.  You start to feel like someone has wrapped a bunch of fake boxes and stuck them under the tree just to keep you hanging on.  However, nay shall I be thrust into the land of bitter and twisted - I am an optimistic soul who will continue reading the training manuals (obtained on one of my fabulous trips to Perth) and admiring my purple work boots to keep the working morale high.  Ok, so maybe not  high - if I were to scale it on a 1 to 10 I would say my morale is sitting at about 3 with threatened descent to a 2.

College - sweet, sweet college.  I obtained a wealth of knowledge that I shall retain forever (Huh?  what was the cut-off for high blood pressure again - like 220 or something?? ...  KIDDING! ...  no, really, I am only joking,  I know that is much MUCH higher than that you silly!) oh shit, hang on what was I saying?  Oh yeah retaining information; so I have learned a bunch of things that were highly interesting, self-evolving and excellent general knowledge for quiz nights.  Not that I would do a quiz night again but still, you never know, someone might sequester me at gunpoint ..  This whole notation for college is disjointed and annoying so I will quickly surmise: It's done and I am not taking it further.  The first reason is because I would rather go up north and drive trucks away from people.  The second reason is because it is not being offered here in Hicksville because of declining numbers.  Our class finished with 2 people. I won't really be keeping in touch with my fellow class mate but my lecturer (see photie) is on the great buddies list.  We girl bonded for sure and it makes hearts dink off my head just thinking about it.

On to the training part of my meager existence,  it's really slow going but very rewarding.  I have to keep changing up my diet to keep things moving but I am experiencing some success and only have 2 - 3 more kilos to go (which will make me nigh on 30 kilos down - holy cow!).  Then I will have to move into the maintenance phase and learn how to keep my arse skinny.  I love doing the weights and I still get to indulge in little 30 minute runs to keep my inner adrenalin junkie high, so all in all I have balance.  The only thing I am lacking is rest, I suck at it and have no idea how to accept it as a part of my week so I still go 7 days and I rotate body parts.  I know I need to get some rest in there somehow and I will figure it out, promise.  Nutritionally I am kicking butt, nice clean days with good macro's and great variety.  I'm about to do a strict 3 day paleo to see if I can't shift down into the low 56's. I'm losing friends over this but I am beyond giving a fuck.  I'm still me and if I can't be recognised in size 7 or 8 clothes then I really was never seen anyways.  I'm skinny, I like it, get over it.

My trips to Perth have been for all kinds of reasons, mostly just to get away but in the trip during the holidays I picked up my training and induction pack, re-fitted my work pants (King Gee are SO sexy - aruh) and spent some time on some training simulators ....  big kick butt training sims worth 1.5 million dollars each  *SKWEEEE*.  It was an opportunity that presented with Mr Middle Management and we took it and ran.  I honestly thought with my zilch heavy vehicle experience that I would be really awful at driving my truck, sim or not, but as soon as I sat in that seat I felt like I was home and I could feel the love for my job.  I will spare you the blow by blow details of the scenario's we went through but I have to tell you it was SO hard to sit and just go through the motions when I wanted to squeal and happy dance and lick the steering wheel.

My last trip to Perth was equally as brilliant, catching up with another good friend who is going through a major career change as well.  From selling yarn to prison guard she is doing fabulously and has a real enthusiasm for what she is doing (understandably because it is pretty exciting stuff, I won't ever be able to self tan again without thinking of "bronzing up").  She is keeping me enthused about my truck driving through the tedious wait and it was awesome being able to share the experience and have someone else appreciate what it is like.  Anyway, we went and had some Mexican food at a place with cute waiters and shitty service - then we wandered across the park and ate an obscene amount of ice-cream (actually I ate the obscene amounts, she had half a cone while I ate 5 scoops).  Then I spent the next hour as clenched as a proctologists waiting room as my lactose intolerance enacted vengeance on my gizzards and I got laughed at - a lot.  We planned out emergency stops on the way home from Freo and ferreted out an enjo cloth in the glove box in case of dire need, but thankfully I didn't have to stop to down trou in the salt bushes, or use my enjo cloth for anything other than what it has been intended for.  A natural, chemical-free, squeaky-clean butt is not on my Christmas list.

Skinny cow toffee sundae cups rock, thats all I have to say about that.

This next one is an interesting one.  I've been unwilling sucked into a quagmire of other peoples crap and it's time to extricate myself and worry about my own problems.  I can't control other people, what they say or do and who they chose to be around. I will in future be more careful as to which situations I expose myself to, will learn to say 'no' when I think the gathering will be less than conducive to a peaceful and fun situation, and I'm going to put up a troll warning outside my front door.  I'm ordering a serve of solitude with a side of grumpy little bitch.   I wasn't joking about that barn-owl thing and I have to get that sorted BEFORE anyone else lines up for their bit.

The last one I won't rave on about because that will frustrate everyone but I promise I will tell all when I get the barn-owl thing sorted.  It's not on par with a national secret and it would be no big deal for anyone else, but for me it's something extraordinarily special.  For now I am just going to keep it to myself because my trust and faith in everyone has hit an all time low and I want to enjoy this gift.  I want to explore how I feel about it and I want to understand why it means so much.  To hear anybody belittle the gesture or tell me it's no big deal would probably snap that little string of sane influence I am desperately clutching on to in the uncontrolled, raging river of gut-wrenching loneliness that consumes me daily.  This would undoubtedly result in eye gouging, scratching and a mouthful of filth laden language - coated in pink of course ..

Going to register for NaBloPoMo as an intervention for my own blog neglect

Love from the crazy barn-owl