Psychic Rations

lovin the moo

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i have no words

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Vote 1 Technology

Today I am having an "I heart technology" day.  It could be because I am still recovering and unable to do much between bouts of nausea and a spinning head, but I have discovered that I can have everything linked between my laptop and mobile phone!  Thanks to a nifty little program, I don't even need to have a browser open to update and stay abreast of the various networks and my blog.  Can you see the hearts dinking off my head?  Now I am going to invest in mobile broadband - unstoppable.. heh.

But, I have finished with all that and I am SO bored. 

No, really.  There is nothing to do except lay here amongst the sea of crumpled tissues, packets of strepsils, and half filled water bottles, while I let the obdurate thumping take over my poor snot-filled head and I wait patiently for the infections to relinquish their morbid grasp on my respiratory system.

I keep trying to talk to Miss Moo but she is watching The Wild Thornberries movie with her new DS glued to her hand, and she keeps shooting me filthy looks as if I am interrupting or something.

Anyways, to abate my boredom I am going to look at the top 5 headers of my current emails:

1. We need you! Help us choose 2009's Sexiest Woman in the World - umm i'd rather not, I don't find chicks attractive like 'that' and seriously, do I look like I GAF about it right now?  Sexy to me is a packet of Panadeine Forte, a steaming heat wheat pillow and full box of tissues.

2. Whales Trucked To Flinders Bay - gosh this is just so sad. 'More than 70 whales and dolphins died on Monday after becoming stranded at Hamelin Bay, south of Margaret River, in WA's South-West'.  I don't know why, but I always feel a soul-searing sadness when it comes to whales.  Such majestic and intelligent creatures.  To me this is a real tradgedy that makes my heart ache.

~~interrupting the email header segment to let you all know I had to change the DVD for moo to Ice Age 2.  Upon return to my couch and sea of snotty tissues I spotted a dead frickin GECKO ON THE CARPET which I had to move by arming myself with 99 out of the 100 tissues left in my box, i think my arse flipped out by eating my head - oh my god - WHY ME?  That was dEEsgUsting~~

3.  Its all about the boobs! - The intellectual activity of the electronic media that is sent to my inbox is astounding, not on a good level.  Heaven forbid these writers should try and capture reader interest by exercising a capacity for smarts.  This email is actualy adressing the very serious issue of breast cancer, so why not give it the gravity it deserves and use language conducive to piquing the interest of the correct gender rather than descending it to the pits of 'porn mag by-lines'.  If you were appealing to a bunch of blokes maybe that header would be appropriate; but if it weren't for my boredom project that would have gone straight to the trash.

4.  LIQUOR HOME DELIVERY SPECIALS - Alriiiiiiight, now we are cooking with gas!  Show me the OP

5.  Blood Flow To Make It Stay, MATE! LOOKE HERE! Make your apparatus BIGGER!  Thicker!  Firmer! - Well, they totally missed their target market with that one.  If I were considering surgery to be a chick with a d!ck then hell yeah!  I'd be interested.  As a wife/mother of 4 who just wants a decent casserole recipe, they dipped out.  I can't imagine myself with a b0ner, I don't think it would be very pretty.   

I keep getting flashback of Dead-Gecko-Tail hanging limply from my pile of tissues - I think I am scarred and I can't help but wonder how the poor little sausage died.  I hope I in no way contributed to his untimely end, I'd have to lose sleep over that.  It was sad - but really, really gross.

Well, I might haul my sorry ass off to the medicine cabinet and abuse some pain killers, at least then I only have the rising nausea to contend with and I can pretend this earache is just a figment on my imagination. 

Chia for now and I hope enjoyed the eclectic collection of rambling from the ailing ration - lacking in genius for sure but hey, nobody pays me.

Moblog is active on the new phone. Even though i hate change i must confess i adapt v quickly. Esp when flat on back with festering lurgies and the pinky ponks on television

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Strepsils, Infections, Parties and an elephant in the room

I have not trained since last Tuesday, I say this not as a confession but as a testament to the complete train wreck I have become. 

I was once told by a naturopath (or by someone of that professional nature)  that sometimes recurrent illness can be a reflection of a persons psyche, for example, someone who suffers from a recurring sore throat may feel gagged or unable to speak their mind in their daily lives. 

So, if we take that practitioners example and put that into a context with my ilnesses we can cogitate the following:

- There's shit on my chest I need to get off (big bastard chest infection - hacking up loogies)

- There's something up my nose (bugging me) that I need to get out  (sinus infection - copious boogers)

- I must feel that I am not heard and unable to speak my mind (lost voice and sore throat)

- I'm tired of listening to shit (ear ache)

- And lastly I think maybe I need to eat?  (really I'm not too sure, but my wisdom tooth on my bottom left tried to break my optimistic and sunny disposition for 6 days straight.  Normally it just signals every six months or so like a harbinger of pain, but this time it demonstrated the full retributory punishment for being the furthermost and least thought about dental attribute - surmise what you will from that manifestation, I'm either starving or I secretly want bite someone really hard). 

I'd rather go with the thought that it wasn't an ebullition that materialised as a bacterial onslaught because if my emotions are in control my physical well-being, then I am screwed.

As tough as it has been this last week, it hasn't all been phlegm and angst.  I will shine a golden ray on this painful and bleak instalment by telling you that being abhorrently ill for a lengthy period of time tends to renew one's appreciation for the little things in life.  Like say.....

- breathing without feeling the pain of the fallen Titans

- the ability to sleep with your mouth closed so that you don't drool all down the side of your own face

- a wee tickle in throat as opposed to coughing so hard that you eject your lungs, exposing all those lovely, little, inside-out alveoli 

Being that sick definitely teaches you lessons.  I shant ever quibble about minor ailments again, while the scent of death lingers in my nostrils as a stark reminder of what is really 'ill'. 

Now if you will, please raise your glasses in salute and cheer to the person responsible for painkillers!!

I've ingested more painkillers in the last week than I have imparted the F word, and that is really saying something.  Every time I was forced to move/swallow/blink it came with a very capital F followed by a grunted UUUUCK ..  If I had to eat, or get up, we had a F and an UUCK.  If I had to wince ..  well, you get the picture.  It was much like an adult version of the Sesame Street word train, but I didn't have enough steam to bring it all together so it stayed disjointed FFFFF ....... UUUUCK,     FFFFFFF ........ UUUUCK.  I must have sounded like a dying crow.  Mind you, a dying crow that downed pain medication like a bag of peanut butter M&M's and for that opportunity, I am truly grateful.  God bless the pharmacy and Mrs HomeAlone.

Now, just chuck in the mandatory birthday cake made by mum, a kids birthday party consisting of a dozen 9 year old "punks" tearing around my house,and a mobile phone dunked in a cup of coffee (RIP) and we can call it quits.

No training until further notice but I have stopped browsing online headstones

xx

 

It's that time

It's that time of the year when the 3rd-to-arrive princess kicks off (what it the first of many) birthday celebrations in the house of G for 2009.  This year we are going punk, and we are stupidly graciously opting for a home party because everything else in Albany just seems a bit naff, and a bit meh, and they like the charge the fork out of your panties for the privilege. 

On Monday night I recruited "The Party Planner" - AKA Demie.  This was a tactical move on my behalf for I do believe that my wee melon will be much better at rounding up the punky-sugar-shocked girly brigade of nine-year-olds.  She is in high school, and is to be worshiped - I am a parent and am not.  I'm well aware that I am fast losing touch with the kids, evidenced by the fact that I whinge ceaselessly about yoni skirts on the girls in the shopping centre like, every time we go there and to anybody who stands still long enough.  I know when I was a teen I would have been devasatated, nay, mortified if my thingamajig came out for a peek - in fact!  In my day we deliberately work bike shorts under our skirts to prevent such humiliation.    These days they just flash it about all willy-nilly *ack*  You know that old saying, why buy the cow when you can ...  oh .... what was I saying?  Oh yes, well Demie has a much better gauge of what is lame.  I would hate to have the girls playing pass the parcel to my WHAM! CD only to find a dolly made of a clothespeg as the prize.

Tonight I have to ring my party planner so that she can give me a shopping list that will send us into a recession.  But bless, it will be worth it.

I haven't quite decided on a cake yet, when the kids were little I used to ask them what they wanted and it was easy!  It was cute!  A cat! A dog!  No worries!  These day a Bratz mansion with moving doors and operational windows, marshmallow trees and royal icing flowers is a weensy scootch out of my league - so I don't ask.  I chose what I believe I will be able to produce in the time I have allocated this week (ie a mad dash into Woolies on Saturday purchasing the closest twee conconction from the 'ready made' section).  No really, I will make the cake ...  I will.

Tomorrow night will be 'the fitting', I will take the party girl into town to purchase a new party outfit.  Something garish and 80's to match the punk theme.  I think maybe some trousers, or even a  nice loooong skirt with bike-pants maybe?  I'm kidding of course, I'm sure we will find just the thing so that I can tease, belt, paint and bling pre-party to Geordie satisfaction. 

Whatever the effort or mishaps may be this weekend I know it will be worth it, Georgia is just so lovely.  She is pretty much happy with anything and it would take an epic fail for her to feel hard done by.  It's because of her easy-going nature that I just want to hug her and give her the world, so the world she will get this weekend to celebrate her nine years.  The best cake I can muster (without drowning myself in the toilet in frustration), the best friends, the best presents we can think of and hopefully the best day ever. 

Nn Saturday be sure to spare me a thought as I sit in the corner with butter icing stuck in my hair, glitter under my fingernails and nail polish smears on my clothes.  I will be swilling vodka from a PCYC drink flask wondering where the last nine years went.

Look what i got

A quick plug

I noticed the other day while I was working on The Ration that my stats had gone through the roof - when I checked where the hits were coming from I was led to Alphainventions.com.  If you are a small time blogger and you don't get much site traffic, then Cheru Jackson (the site creator) is your man!  I don't know how I managed to feature before I visited but it does amazing things for your traffic. 

Basically it is a self loading program that runs a rotation of Blogs as they are updated in real time.  If you like any of the blogs then you can pause the feed, and go read/bookmark the site.  It's a mecca of new blogs at your fingertips and all you have to do is sit and watch until something takes your fancy.

/End Transmission on the infomercial

Lets take gorgeous and turn it into twat

I can't say I have ever really been into Dora the Explorer all that much personally, but when my younguns were younger I was more inclined to listen to their impassioned DVD pleas for the South American Adventures over some sickly pink foofie Barbie dancing crap.  To me Dora just seemed a little more grounded and a little more real.  She seemed to have good old fashioned, non-pretentious fun with her talking map and backpack, while dealing with a kleptomaniac fox.  A cute chubby little girl with her belly poking out, wearing hardy play clothes - chasing stars, solving problems and praising her own success.  It's the stuff toddler dreams are made of I tell you.

Now it would seem that the simple, wholesome concept of a regular kid having regular fun wasn't good enough for some corporate no-brainer (who probably has Barbie-like nymphette on his arm) so 'they' have given Dora The Explorer a make-over.  We haven't yet been given the full view of the body-blitz but feast your eyes upon the silhouette ....

Who wants to  bet she has oversized eyes with sexy lashes; hair that ruffles and bounces lightly when she moves; pouty plumped up lips with some garish colored shiny gloss on them; has inappropriate clothes for jungle adventures and walks on her tippy toes in stupid cutesy shoes.  I'm also willing to call double or nothing on the fact that the 'new' Dora will giggle like a lobotomised lab rat and she will have a much higher pitched voice - annoyingly high pitched.  I think we are about to hear phrases like "oh my god Swiper I just so totally broke a nail! Diego get me some glue by slaughtering one of those wild stallions you saved by grinding it's hoves! Tee Hee Hee..."  Backpack will become a Hanna Montanna clutch, the stars won't be twinkling in the sky (she will have forcibly stapled them to her head), Diego will be wearing his trousers so low that we will be able to see his CK undies and Boots will be her pet accessory sitting on her shoulder with a big blingy 'B' hanging from his neck. 

I don't understand what anybody would think was wrong, she was great!  I know I bitched and moaned on the odd occasion about the singing map but I take it all back!  It's just that I had heard it every day of Amy's 3 year life and (give me strength) I truly comprehended that the map knew he was map.  It doesn't mean we should send her to a Hollywood clinic for liposuction, restylane, botox and hair extensions - for the love of little green apples just write her a new song! Let that cute little cartoon keep her innocence, ditch the fanny flashing mini and make a stand for what need not be brutalised.  A little girl is a little girl, she didn't need be model beautiful, exaggeratedly feminine or, lets face it, anything that is going to fill that dreadful silhouette that the butchering bastards on her creation team have released for us to 'eagerly anticipate'

Of course all of this is speculation but I boycott it already - RIP Dora .. we have all the DVD's but we won't be subscribing to the new Bratz-esque image that is, with certainty, about to saturate our television sets and feature on over-priced merchandise.  I was more than happy for the kids to know that ordinary people do extraordinary things with a positive attitude and good friends (even if they are talking animals and inanimate objects).

Little kids should be little kids.  Every day on the shelves in our department stores and on our televisions kids are inundated with clothing and concepts way to mature for their little selves - and now, now we get Dora the facy little twerp.

I think I just vomited a bit in my own mouth

The Big Reveal (maybe not)

HOW MUCH HAVE YOU CHANGED IN 15 YEARS

****15 YEARS AGO (1994)****
1) How old were you? 18.
2) Who were you dating? Jamie
3) Where did you work? Fellinis
4) Where did you live? Toowoomba
5) Where did you hang out? Home
6) Did you wear contacts or glasses? Neither
7) Who were your best friends? Jenny, Kathy, Rachael & Rob
8) How many tattoos did you have? None.
9) How many piercings did you have? My ears.
10) What kind of car did you drive? We didn't drive
11) Had you been to a real party? Yes.
12) Had you had your heart broken? Yes
13) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Taken

14) Any Kids? One

***10 YEARS AGO (1999)***
1) How old were you? 23
2) Who were you dating? Callum
3) Where did you work? The Village Coffee Shoppe
4) Where did you live? Havelock North, New Zealand
5) Where did you hang out? In Auckland every chance we got
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? Neither
7) Who were your best friends? Linda, Katrina and Ivana
8) How many tattoos did you have? One
9) How many piercings did you have? My Ears
10) What car did you drive? Holden Barina
11) Had your heart broken? Yes
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Taken
13) Any Kids? Two

****TODAY (2009)****
1) Age? 33
2) Where do you work? At home
3) Where do you live? Albany
4) Who are your closest friends? Fiona, Tracey, Jodie and Kim
5) Do you talk to your old friends? Some of them
6) How many piercings do you have? My ears twice.
7) Do you wear glasses/contacts? Neither
8) How many tattoos? One
9) What kind of car do you have? Mazda Maxx 3 sports
10) Had your heart been broken? Yes.
11) How many kids? 4
12) Are you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Married.

What would you say has been the most remarkable change in yourself in the last 15 years?

I've developed an inability to put up with shit  - oh and I stick up for myself

Voila! 


I know this is all piffle and I do have decent writings to bestow upon your eager eyes, I am just severely lacking the spare solitary moments to put together the follies for you to feast upon - twill be soon - for sure ;)